Danny and I just flew back from Las Vegas (and boy are our arms tired!). Little did we know that on the very same weekend, Douglas Hines unveiled his new invention- a sex robot named Roxxxy (CNN Article). Supposedly, this thing is the bees-knees. 
It’s apparently very life-like in the feel of the synthetic skin and it can even hold a conversation (no chance it knows anything about sports). People will undoubtedly make jokes about how Roxxxy is the perfect woman because it won’t nag and if it does you can just pull the plug. Unfortunately for all the horny toads out there, Roxxxy McDonald costs a whopping $7,000! (I gave her that last name because she resemebles Ronald McDonald -shudders-). While this is interesting and all, I fear that Douglas Hines may have targeted his product to a specific demographic, which is caucasian men <rracistt!>. This is fine by me since I would never buy a sex robot, ever, but if I did- hmmm… I would have to make modifications for it to appeal to the Asian persuasion.
First of all, change the name. I get the whole ‘xxx’ concept but Roxy is definitely the name of a white trash diner waitress. How about ”iPAL”? It’s not a very sexy name but I think Asian guys are more likely to approach a non-threatening girl. We get intimidated since we are the bottom of the totem pole as far as desirable men go… we beat only Indian guys, though Jay Sean is ruining things for us.
The next tweak I’m making is to change the dynamics of this thing. Roxxxy McDonald stands at 5′7 and weighs in at 120 lbs. This means most Asian men will find Roxxxy McNugget a little cumbersome. iPAL will need to be 5′3 and weigh 110 lbs MAX. Don’t call me shallow, I know this is like the average size of all those K-Pop girls. We need to make sure iPAL is anatomically correct and give her short legs and large head. The texture of her hair is going to be a lot thicker than that of Roxxxy McNasty. You might need to spend time straightening iPAL’s hair for 30 minutes each morning. The silicon skin will need to be tinted with yellow/tan and yet remain pale and pastey because apparently being dark is a sign that you are lower class and poor to other Asians. 
Lastly, I need to modify the voice. While Roxxxy will probably have a deep sexy voice, that doesn’t do jack for me. iPAL needs to have a higher pitched, nasaly/whiny voice while pouting. Is this attractive? Zero chance! But we need to make sure iPAL stays true to real Asian girls.
Though I struggled greatly in Physics and Chemistry and I could never invent something so advanced, I believe I have the blueprint here to cover the marketshare of K-Girl robots. You can see what iPAL will look like when I am completed. I will start the bidding at $10,000! Douglas Hines, iPAL pwns Roxxxy McIntosh… now stop being such a creepy dude and invent something useful.
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